The paradox of performance

I’m odd as a musician: I both love, and hate, performing, and it’s not for usual reasons like being nervous.

I’ve been performing in some capacity since probably 6 or 7 years old, and that’s not counting the fact that when you practice the piano, other people hear you. I’ve been doing it long enough that I don’t get nervous, or, at least, I haven’t so far. The largest crowd I’ve played in front of is definitely under 200, so maybe playing a much larger crowd would have a different effect on me, but I’m generally keenly aware of what I can and can’t do, so I doubt it’d make a huge difference. Even things that could possibly be attributed to being nervous often aren’t, in my case. For example, when playing with a band at work in December for CoolStuff (a periodic demo of everything people have been working on), I bailed on an intro I was supposed to play for American Pie, but that was only because I felt it would’ve been too long to play the entire verse before the chorus, not because I felt I couldn’t do it.

My problem is that I don’t like attention, which is almost guaranteed as a performer. It’s one thing being up on stage and having people applaud a good solo, but it’s completely different interacting with people afterwards. My usual (and, for now, only) venue is playing in church, so it’s different since I usually know the people who would comment (and also that usual methods of giving appreciation during a performance aren’t really suited for a worship service), but I don’t know how to effectively deal with genuine compliments. My tendency is to be somewhat self-deprecating (after all, I am a perfectionist, and listen to enough good music to know exactly how and where I fall short) or to deflect the praise to the rest of the band (i.e. “Thanks, but I didn’t play as well as the guitarist”, or “Thanks, but it’s because the whole band was doing a great job today”). I don’t do this just with music either; I have a tendency to want to dodge praise in nearly everything I do. I’ve been gifted with a lot, and I used to have a really big ego to go along with that. If anything, I’d rather be too humble than too full of myself. I’m still looking for the balance between the two.

Playing at church has another dimension to it. I’m not just making music for the sake of my own recognition or that of contributing to a band; I’m doing it to praise God and, to a lesser extent, to help others worship as well. That doesn’t mean that good playing should go unnoticed, but sometimes I feel like, for some people, the music becomes the focal point. This is the paradox: I want people to focus on God in worship, but playing at any skill level provides a distraction where people might focus on me instead. I realize I can’t change people, and that they’ll do what they want during worship, but I do want to be a worship leader, not a performer, even as an instrumentalist.